A Perfectly Healthy Coping Mechanism
by miggylol
Summary: You know you've reached a certain comfort level with someone when you can get drunk and watch dirty videos together. That level is "probably too high."


Moving to New York was supposed to make Rachel Berry feel like a full-fledged adult. Instead, it mostly made her feel inadequate at school and like a tiny breakable child when she made the mistake of riding the subway at rush hour.

It took two weeks of listening to Bushwick before Rachel stopped thinking that every sudden shake and pounding noise was someone coming to break down her door and kill her. That was what happened outside the protective walls of one's parents, her traitorous mind told her late at night. Silly little girls who thought they could conquer the big city with only one friend at their side were just asking for trouble.

Routine was the death of excitement, and those noises turned into nothing more than annoyances when she wanted to sleep. She learned that sharp elbows were excellent subway weapons. Even if school was still hard, she'd learned to tread water instead of slipping under. That didn't make her feel like a grown-up, but at least she stopped feeling like a child.

No, what really made her feel like an adult was the booze and porn.

It wasn't just that she had _access_ to alcohol and naughty, naughty videos, but that she could do whatever she wanted without fearing that her fathers might walk in. She was living her own life, in her own house, and sometimes that life involved getting a little drunk and falling asleep on the far side of an orgasm. Ta-da! _Adulthood_.

The store at the corner didn't check her ID like they should. Rachel could walk in, buy a bottle of wine, and drink it right there in the middle of her and Kurt's living room / kitchen / impromptu staging space for recreations of their favorite Broadway scenes. And, when she was home from class and Kurt was still at work, Rachel could open up one of her fancy new videos and actually make all the noise that she wanted to when she came.

(As everyone who knew her could attest, Rachel Berry was a bit on the loud side.)

It turned out that Tina had a great porn collection: boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/boy, groups, individuals, individuals with toys, groups with toys, kissing, no kissing, hard, romantic, fast, slow. All it had taken was one mention of feeling lonely without Finn and Tina had shared the wealth, because she was in the same place without Mike. Porn had always been kind of scary when Rachel investigated it before, but these were Tina-vetted. All of the women looked like they wanted to be there and all of the men seemed like actual human beings instead of angry walking penises. Even the _hard_ stuff wasn't _mean_, and Rachel spent more than a few afternoons or nights with her laptop next to her and her fingers working between her legs.

Yes, adulthood became pretty great, up until her and her best friend both had their relationships blow up in their faces. If Rachel had thought that a spectacular argument following two months of radio silence after being thrown on a train instead of getting married was a bad way to end a relationship, she had nothing on what Kurt was going through.

"Here," she said, and topped off his drink. The clerk at the corner liquor store had asked her if she was having a party. Rachel thought he was trying to flirt with her. Whatever, it just meant that he hadn't cared that a college freshman was buying four bottles of wine at once. It was important to keep their wine rack (that somebody had left on the sidewalk) well-stocked. It made their place look fancy.

"Black," Kurt said, and studied his drink. Because she'd kept filling the glass, Rachel wasn't exactly sure how much he'd downed.

"I'm sorry?"

"We talked about black in our meeting today. Black is the new black again. Onyx rings and big sunglasses and heavy eyeliner. Black." He took a long drink, and then made a face. When he wasn't trying to figure out the right pairing for Hungarian takeout like some sort of bargain basement connoisseur, Kurt didn't actually like the taste of wine. "It was really depressing."

"I had a whole class on communicating romantic tension to the back rows today. So, that was awkward." Rachel missed being able to launch into an unprompted duet and have that do the job of telling everyone what she felt. McKinley was so much easier. Finn didn't disappear into the Army for two months and Blaine didn't stop by with the news that he'd unzipped in some stranger's bedroom.

"Black." Kurt rolled the word around again, stretching it out. By now, his voice definitely sounded a little loose. "It felt like I should smoke a clove and talk about the bleak, bleak world. Which it is."

Right. It was a night for wallowing. "I'll grab snacks," Rachel said, standing, and returned with bags that she spread like playing cards across the coffee table. "We need to catch up on Grey's, Once Upon a Time, and Gossip Girl, anyway," Rachel said as she checked Hulu on her laptop. "Or I could put in a movie."

"Surprise me." Kurt was boneless on the couch, only moving to raise his glass.

Rachel didn't want walk across the room to their DVD storage now that she'd settled in, so she brought up the latest Gossip Girl, plugged in the VGA wire to connect her laptop to the television, and clicked play. Kurt was warm and solid under her when she cuddled against his side and pulled a blanket over both of them. "He's stupid, you know."

"I know. I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Rachel said, and nuzzled into her friend with the total lack of physical boundaries they had when they were depressed. He smelled like expensive lotion and heartbreak. "Let me know if we hit 'insult those jerks' time."

"Okay."

As the episode started, Rachel privately hoped that they would hit that time. It would do Kurt good to vent like he occasionally had over the past two weeks, but what she _really_ wanted was to hear all the dirt on Finn that only a family member could provide. Rachel spent a good ten minutes thinking on all the ways she could tell Finn off again. Because of that, it took her a while to realize what was already plain on Kurt's face.

"This show is awful," Kurt said. "Why do we still watch it?" Even tipsy, he looked offended at the plot airing before them.

It really was. "Habit, I guess? I can put something else on." Rachel set down her drink and fiddled with the computer, but Hulu returned an error screen and she pouted. "Maintenance. I must have started streaming that episode just in time."

"Hooray for that," Kurt said dryly. "Didn't you download some old seasons of shows? We could rewatch those, at least."

That was right, she had. Artie had sent her instructions, and then sent her a far more detailed set of instructions when she managed to nearly ruin her computer. It was a little hard to find the right folder, labeled like they were; Rachel needed to rename them after she downloaded a full season of Once or Grey's from all those strangers on the internet. "Oh, um," Rachel said, red-faced, when she clicked on the wrong confusing name. "That's not the folder that I wanted."

Kurt blinked owlishly at the laptop screen, still displayed on their television in crisp high-definition. The files in that folder were all the same blank little icon, but their names were beyond descriptive. "My roommate," he said slowly, "is a pervert."

Rachel's face went even redder. "I am not a pervert! That is a healthy display of female sexuality, and... and I am a grown-up and I can do what I want, and besides, you're a boy and boys watch lots of porn and so you have no room to judge me." Her nostrils flared. "So there." Something about his dismayed expression as he surveyed the titles made Rachel second-guess herself. "You've... watched lots of porn because you're a boy, right?"

"I tried," Kurt said. "They were mean and sad and I hated it. Does that one have _four_ people in it?" he asked as he squinted at a file name, scandalized. "Rachel!"

"They're Tina's!" Rachel protested. "She picked them out, every single one. And no one is 'mean and sad.' You know Tina, she would never watch anything like that. The people in the videos are, um, happy to be there. This is all very sex-positive."

"You've actually watched these," Kurt said. He blinked, then looked at her. "Even girl/girl?"

Rachel shrugged. By that point it didn't seem worth denying anything. "I tried once and I didn't hate it, but I stick to the, um, other files. These are Tina's, after all, and I just got everything that she sent me. And it's all very... very nice." Her skin flushed warm from memories. She wondered if Kurt could feel her through their clothes.

Like a scientist unearthing some intriguing artifact, Kurt leaned forward to study the full list of Rachel's pornographic dalliances up close. When he reached the latter part of the folder, where 'F' at the start of the filename became 'M,' his expression slowly changed. "There's a lot," he said.

"I haven't watched everything."

"You've watched these when I was _here_, haven't you?"

Well, she needed help relaxing some days before she could fall asleep. She led a stressful life. "I. Maybe."

He looked between her and his wine, and his wine seemed to win. Kurt laughed and took another long sip of it as he gestured at the space around them. "I'm shocked that you managed to stay quiet!"

"Wait, you're not upset?" That wasn't at all what she'd expected. Between Rachel watching two men pleasure each other for her own entertainment and getting herself off in their shared apartment that lacked a little thing called _solid walls_, she had given Kurt a fair bit of grudge ammunition.

"Rachel, I am aware that you have functioning lady... parts. Remember, I bought earplugs so that you and my brother could go to town while I pretended that I had an actual room of my own. If that didn't horrify my brain into crawling into some dark corner to die, you watching porn isn't going to do the job." Then he double-clicked.

Rachel lunged for his wrist, but the movie had already started playing on the TV. "Fine," she said, and flung up her hands. Her monk of a roommate could make fun of her. "Fine, there's my porn, Kurt. Laugh all you want. I still have those Grey's episodes somewhere, and if we..." _Oh_, she thought, trailing off.

He looked interested.

Thankfully, he hadn't randomly chosen any of the videos that had boys who looked similar to the ones in New Directions. Tina had a whole fleet of those, and Rachel wasn't the first Glee girl to see _that_ particular subset of her collection. Boys who looked like Mike had been paired with partners who looked like every single other boy in the club. (Tina's research there had been very, very thorough.) She didn't have a matching collection for the rest, but Rachel had been given more than enough ammunition to imagine what every single one of them looked like naked.

That included her roommate, and Rachel thanked heaven again that Kurt hadn't picked one of those videos. Instead, he'd chosen an angular sandy blond with big brown eyes. His partner looked vaguely like Joe without his dreadlocks, but only if she squinted and really tried to make the comparison. The two men were on Standard Porn Couch #4, but, in an immediate difference from a lot of the earlier porn that Rachel had tried, they were talking and laughing and their clothes were on.

"They look nice," Kurt said. "I don't think this is porn." He lifted his endlessly refilled glass again; it was almost gone.

"Oh," Rachel said as Blond trailed his lips up Not-Joe's neck, across his stubble-rough chin, and to his mouth, "believe me, it's porn."

"They look happy," Kurt said as he watched the men nuzzle each other and slowly slip their hands between the buttons of each other's shirt.

When Rachel turned to him, Kurt looked very far from happy. "You shouldn't watch this if it's depressing you. I'm sorry that I picked the wrong folder." She moved forward to turn it off, but he caught her arm.

"No." Kurt swallowed. "No, let it play. I am _single_ and I am in _New York_ and I am watching _happy safe porn_, because I _can_." The rest of his wine disappeared, and he put the glass down nearly hard enough to break it.

Rachel tried to smile. Oh, good. Now she'd somehow gotten herself into watching an entire porn video with Kurt, because if he didn't see it through, then it would be an unintended victory for the boy who'd left him so miserable. Rachel was wrong; she didn't want to hit that angry-at-their-boyfriends stage, after all. Not when it would lead to the two of them watching actual, honest-to-god porn like an awkward family outing to a movie with a surprise sex scene.

_Kurt's been in the locker room_, Rachel thought as they watched the men strip in silence. Her brain lurched forward on that track even as she tried to control it. _He's probably actually seen Joe naked_.

Her body flushed warm again. Rachel couldn't help but recall that video of the man who looked like Mike and the man who looked like Kurt, and she wished very much that she hadn't drunk a little wine, too. _Kurt's probably seen all of them naked_. The Kurt-look-alike that Tina had found was nearly as pale; that and the eyes had carried most of the similarity. Rachel had never thought about how all that pale skin would stand in marked contrast to the pooling blood of an erection until the man was there, naked and ready for action, with a penis that seemed to blaze a blinding red line toward his navel.

Quietly, as Rachel felt muscles pull high deep inside her, she scooted away from a body that was suddenly far too masculine and far too close. It was one thing to let her mind roam down that road late at night, alone. Actually looking at _actual_ Kurt would be a bad idea on every conceivable level. Just because she was alone and her sort-of new-maybe-schoolmate-boyfriend in New York was too busy to see her wasn't an excuse to start fantasizing about her very gay friend, and oh god Kurt was adjusting the blanket over his lap.

On the television, Blond and Not-Joe were stripped to the waist. Not-Joe had a thick, coarse line of hair running down his lower torso, and Blond trailed its length with kisses headed toward the meaty bulge that was straining his pants. Not-Joe was _huge_, Rachel realized as she felt her muscles contract upward again, and her channel began to ache to be filled. Acknowledging what was happening made her even wetter.

"He's..." Kurt's voice was high. His eyes were transfixed on the huge rod inside Not-Joe's pants. It was easy to make out the thicker bulge of the head, which had already leaked a spot against the material. "Now this looks like porn."

"I told you," Rachel said. She aimed for 'pedantic' but landed at 'horny.' Dammit.

If Kurt was still teetering on the edge of turning off the tape, the next exchange seemed to push him into a decision. Blond and Not-Joe kissed again as Blond cupped that straining erection. It was gentle, loving, and open, and Not-Joe nodded almost nervously as he laid back against the couch. Rachel risked a glance at Kurt and saw him captivated. That honest exchange, so different from the raunchy videos they'd both first found, had him hooked.

_Oh my god_, Rachel thought, and bit down hard on a giggle as she felt another wet wave run through her. Her mind felt thick with alcohol. _This is actually happening_.

The last light outside had died and they hadn't thought to turn on more. They were lit only by the television, and were still covered by the blanket that stretched between their now-separated bodies. Rachel focused on her breathing exercises from school as she felt herself become more slick and ready. It was a challenge. Blond's fingers were playing over Not-Joe's pants, and even though she hadn't seen this particular video before, Rachel knew very well what was coming. With a few deft moves, Not-Joe's fly opened and the erection inside sprang gratefully free. Not-Joe moaned at the release of pressure and rubbed Blond's hair in thanks.

She'd thought 'meaty' before, and her guess was right now that she'd seen the whole thing. Dark, thick, and veiny, and standing in a forest of tight curls, it was the sort of penis that looked like it fit more into hardcore porn with lots of mad faces. But Blond kissed the tip gently, Not-Joe rubbed his hair again like there was no one more precious in the world, and that big angry penis was suddenly a genial sort of fellow hoping to make a friend.

_What is wrong with me_, Rachel thought, biting down on another giggle. She was writing penis fiction in her head, just for a distraction. _Am I going to put a little hat on him, next?_ No, that wouldn't work, because now that head was no longer available for use. Blond's mouth was entirely over it and his cheeks were hollow.

That was when Rachel noticed Kurt breathing fast, too. She risked a sidelong glance without moving and saw him pressing against the blanket with the heel of his hand. _He's hard_, Rachel realized, and nearly slipped right off the couch.

She forced her eyes back to the television as her thighs pressed together for friction. Slowly, so she wouldn't jostle the blanket, Rachel began to move her legs with more purpose as Blond's head moved up and down Not-Joe's saliva-slick length. She heard another intake of breath from Kurt and froze; her last rub had moved the blanket too much, and he must have noticed. Rachel couldn't stop for longer than that, though. It felt like her arousal had hollowed her out and every second that passed only made her more insatiable. Well, if she couldn't move the blanket, and the lights were off...

Rachel's hand slid under the heavy wool, flipped up her skirt, and found her underwear. She'd been sure to use the one on the far side from Kurt. Hopefully, if he happened to look over, he'd see nothing more than her sitting there rod-straight with her attention on the television. Meanwhile, her stealthy ninja porn hand would continue its work.

Her fingers slipped under the damp cotton. When the tips moved past her trimmed pubic hair and brushed against her hot, slick flesh within, Rachel let out a soft groan that she didn't bite down in time. Kurt's breathing stopped. She bit her lip, not knowing whether it would be worse to try to pull her arm out from under the blanket and risk the movement being seen, or for him to catch her sitting there with her hand between her legs.

He started breathing again, and so did Rachel. She looked over again without turning her head and nearly bit through her lip trying to stay quiet.

His arm was under the blanket, too.

_Oh god_, Rachel thought as her fingers trailed between her lips, picked up the lubrication there, and drew back up to circle her clit. Her skin was on fire. She traced one slick finger around the tiny nub, then drew two up and down its sides in a narrow peace sign. By the end, those fingers had hooked to apply pressure to the skin further down, and her hips bucked up to meet them.

Onscreen, Blond peeled away Not-Joe's pants and began to slowly work his fingers into him, knuckle-deep. Rachel heard a deeper sound beside her, lower than she'd thought Kurt would make, and forced her head to remain rigid toward the television. Her peripheral vision could just make out the shadowed bulge between his legs, and her hips rose again.

_Screw it_, Rachel thought, and slid her butt toward the edge of the cushion. _We're not pretending by this point_. With her pelvis closer to horizontal it was easier to gain access, but far harder to hide the mound of her arm under the blanket. She didn't care. Rachel's world narrowed to the blazing heat between her legs, the roommate next to her, and the men slowly fucking each other into blissful oblivion on their television. It left no room for shame.

She moved her hand further down and its heel took over the work of applying friction to her sensitive clit. Her fingers splayed open her inner lips, teasing the channel within, and then narrowing to a ready group of warm, firm flesh. As Blond pulled out his jutting penis and guided it between Not-Joe's raised legs, Rachel sank her fingers into herself and felt herself stretch and fill like her body had been screaming for. If it wasn't as deep as she needed, it was still glorious, and Rachel moaned in ecstasy as she threw one leg up on the coffee table and flung the other one as far as it would go to the side.

Kurt's pistoning hand had slid the blanket aside as it worked. He'd unzipped. His cock stood in the harsh relief of the television lighting. Rachel almost started giggling as she thrust her fingers in and out, and then tried working her clit with her thumb. _He has an actual penis I'm actually seeing it my roommate has a peeeeeniiiiis!_

Finally, she couldn't hold back a laugh at how gloriously absurd everything was, but it came out mixed with a shuddering groan. She felt her skin flush even hotter as Blond pounded against the back of Not-Joe's thighs, and Not-Joe's dark, thick cock flopped wantonly with each thrust. _That's why he didn't top_, Rachel thought as she felt her thighs tense and realized she was headed toward her peak. _So we could see that_. It wasn't an uninterrupted view, but seeing that heavy penis even in flashes was enough. She didn't outright stare at Kurt, either, but that was enough.

Even in this lighting, he was so much darker there than the rest of his skin. Tina's porn was right.

It was the thought of Kurt standing naked and practically _screaming_ his arousal with that deep contrast that sent Rachel over the edge. Gasping, she felt her muscles contract around her, and pounded the heel of her foot on the coffee table. Her back arched and her teeth clenched as she felt the tension pour out of her: the sexual tension of that night, tension over her life, tension over everything. She felt like she was falling and flying all at once. Her orgasm lasted in seemingly endless waves. Rachel kept her hand firmly inside herself to ride the crest of each one as they became slower and rarer, and finally, achingly stopped.

Rachel focused only on breathing again until she'd regained some sense. When she did, she realized that Kurt wasn't moving any more. _Oh, no_.

It took her a long time to work up the courage to look over. She was ready to apologize, and probably would have if she hadn't noticed the crumpled paper towel on the coffee table, right between Kurt's knees. Oh. Well. Good. He'd finished.

He was quiet for a long time, too. The video had half its length to go, still, thanks to the magic of editing out recovery time, but it seemed less awkward to watch Not-Joe begin to return Blond's affections than to meet each other's eyes. "Girls... last for a while," Kurt finally said. "I hadn't realized."

"Oh. Um." Well, that was true. Boys tended to come in a rush. Rachel realized that he must have come while she was in the midst of her spiraling orgasm, and she hadn't even noticed. Of course, that was the only possible time. While she'd lost herself, over and over, he'd lost himself right next to her.

They were quiet again. By the end of the silence, Rachel began to wonder how hard it would be to find a new roommate if he demanded an end to it all.

"Well. Okay." Kurt stood and gathered a lot of items off the table, probably so that his crumpled paper wouldn't be quite as obvious among them.

"Okay," Rachel said, wondering where the two of them were at.

"You were going to put on Grey's?" he reminded her as he threw away the trash. His pants were thankfully zipped.

"Right," Rachel remembered, and turned off the porn video. "Right. We were watching television, and we were... not talking about what else we did, because we were just watching television. Okay. Perfect."

"Perfect," Kurt said, returning. They didn't meet each other's eyes, but they were still on the same couch, and Rachel counted that as a victory. Yay. No hunt for a new roommate.

The episode played for a while without either of them saying anything.

"So," Kurt finally said, and poured himself a responsible glass of water instead of more wine. "Is there any chance I could... um..."

Rachel still didn't meet his eyes, and she very definitely did not look at his pants with the penis underneath that she had actually, really seen. "I'll burn you a disc." She assumed he wouldn't want the girl videos, even if Tina had been thorough in sending everything. She would be a thoughtful, helpful roommate. Yes.

"Great, thank you."

"You're welcome."

It turned out that they'd missed some really great episodes of Grey's Anatomy.


End file.
